Can this month be over?

I've been having a rough time lately, mainly because of burnout from my job. I normally work graveyard shift, which is nice and slow, but because we aren't at full staff, I've had to work 2 extra shifts from 2-10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. Swing shift is about 6 times as busy as graveyard shift, so it's kind of like working 6 graveyard shifts in a row. By the 5th day, I'm ready to be done with it, so try doing it all in 8 hours. Needless to say, I've been running ragged, AND I just started taking a class at Spokane Falls Community College. It's Intro to Film, and it's a writing-intensive class, so we have to write a paper and participate in online discussions and responses (a total of 10 paragraphs) every week. I like it so far, but there is quite a bit of work, especially when I'm working full time.

Working swing shift so often lately has woken me up to the fact that I really just don't like my job. I like the people, I like the extra duties I volunteer for (like sending out marketing letters), but the actual job of being on the phone constantly, it's fraying my edges. It's a good thing I've been on graveyard this whole time or I probably would have snapped and quit about 3 months ago. So I'm at a crossroads. I can A) request to only be assigned graveyard, even if means I work only 3 shifts one week; B) quit my job and concentrate on school for a few months; or C) quit my job and try to find another either within the organization or outside.

Right now, I think I'm gonna go with A, but with the option of C if something presents itself. I hate how it seems like I'm flaky on jobs, because I've had SO many in the past 8 years. I realized tonight though, that I switch jobs when the little excitement buzz/butterflies is gone. I had that probably my 3rd month here, when I was kicking butt and getting upsells and good reviews on my calls, but now I just don't care so much. Sure, I think I'm good at my job, but I just don't have that drive to do BETTER anymore. I felt that buzz at the Lewiston Tribune late at night when I was racing against the deadline to get information on an accident for a news bit. I guess I need to figure out if that's something I can learn to live without, or if I can find something I can continually feel that excitement.

I'd like to take an aptitude test or something to pinpoint jobs that would be good for me, though self analysis has already provided me a picture of what I prefer. I like to work as an advocate for the customer. I enjoy making someone's day better, and I don't like sales, because again, I will advocate for the customer, and I have a hard time if what's best for the company isn't necessarily GOOD. Also, I actually like busy work, like data entry or preparing mailings. I don't particularly like to talk on the phone (ironic given my current job as an inbound hotel reservations agent), and I love research but am not a fan of compiling reports summarizing said research. I like working independently, but I also like having coworkers, to share good news when I've done something really well, and to lean on if I need help with something. I like feeling like I'm part of something REAL, and like I have a real purpose to my work.
So summarizing that kind of makes me feel like I need to work for a nonprofit, maybe an housing advocate or legal aid clinic. Or if I just want money, I could always work as a talent agent. Overall though, I just have trouble seeing where my life is headed right now. And I'm tired of swing shift!

Reflections on being 24

I turned 24 more than a month ago, and in some ways I feel older, other ways I feel younger. Sometimes I feel so young, and immature, and nowhere near prepared for the world, even as I draw closer to being a quarter of a century old. At the same time though, I've felt and gone through more than I'd wish on anyone. I don't think I've gone through more than anyone else, and I'm well aware that there's a lot of life that I've yet to experience. But I've felt many emotions that a human being is capable of, and some of them, I'm just fine with not ever feeling again.

I often feel like a kid: still worried about what people think of me, still obsessed with dressing to achieve a certain look or fit in with a certain group. I still feel the rollercoaster butterflies in my stomach when I meet a new guy, and the crash of getting rejected. The caveat is that I'm learning those feelings don't necessarily go away with physical age.

I often feel like I'm being stunted, because I WANT to mature and embrace a family, grow up and have a career. I often feel like I'm living in limbo, living a half-life, working full-time, but not at a job that will become a career, and owning a dog who gets treated like my child, but without a human child of my own.

I'm not sure, at this moment, where life is going for me. I nearly typed "where life is going to carry me," but I reject the notion that we have no control over our destiny. I believe we are the ones who decide our life path. I could have graduated 2 years ago from BYU, but instead I dropped out. Sure, I have anxiety, but truly do wish I'd known then what I know now. How differently my life would have turned out. I wish I'd sought help sooner. I wish I'd taken advantage of tutoring and study classes. It's not that I didn't care about school, it's that I couldn't.

I have this recurring dream, a nightmare, really, except not in the classic childhood sense, but in the dream I'm going to school over a period of several months, except I never make it to all of my classes in a day, and then, halfway through the semester I realize I've only been to my math class twice, and it's too late to even bother attending now. I go to a few classes as a token gesture, while trying to avoid the teacher, who is aware I haven't attended his class. The neverending guilt and dread continue to eat me alive as I continue to wind down attendance in all of my classes, to where a passing grade is impossible, and that once again, I've failed. That dream is more terrifying to me than any monster, because I've lived it, and I've lived the consequences of it, and I'm so scared that I'll repeat it.

I'm not sure, at this point, how to stop the cycle. In many ways, my life is stable enough now to avoid many of my problems that cropped up when I was at Westminster. I live at home and pay no rent, I have a stable job, and I have a dog, whose presence eases my mind daily. I think if I were to begin classes again, I'd likely be fine, but that fear still grips me.