Law School and the Disordered Student

I recently started my third year of law school and I wanted to share a few insights from my perspective of being a law student with Generalized Anxiety Disorder ("anxiety"), social anxiety, and depression. This is a very long post and describes my history with the disorders, then my first two years of law school, and finally, some general tips for those suffering from anxiety or depression. Feel free to skip to the third section if you'd like.

I have probably had depression since high school. It runs in my family and it's hard at this point in my life to even separate out what my "true" personality might be as compared to my "depressed" personality. I developed anxiety during my second semester of my first year of college. I wound up dropping out a few weeks after classes began that semester after getting overwhelmed with the workload in my classes and having what I now recognize as a panic attack. I started school at a different college the next year and was fine for a year, but halfway through my second year, I became extremely depressed and found it hard to even leave my house. This of course significantly impacted my attendance, and then I began having panic attacks if I was at Walmart or other crowded or chaotic places. I spent a lot of time at the campus health center trying to get on proper medications, then finally dropped out near the end of the semester, earning a grade mix of Ws and Fs. I spent the next few years working and making halfhearted attempts to overcome my depression and anxiety, but it took 5 years before I was able to get it under control enough to go back to school. I was able to complete my AA degree in short order from a community college, then I completed the remaining 4 semesters in 15 months, earning my bachelor's degree in psychology. During this time, I was finally on the right combination of medications and personal growth to feel as though my anxiety and depression were in control, so I felt that law school might actually be a possibility for me. I applied and was admitted to Arizona State University College of Law. My application statement was based in large part on my struggle to live with my disorders, so many members of the administration were aware of my history before I entered.

If you have anxiety and/or depression and are interested in going to law school, I am here to tell you it CAN be done. I won't tell you it's easy, or even if it's worth it, because that is entirely up to you. It will be hard. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done. But it can BE done.

My first semester of law school was difficult because I was starting from a very basic level. My parents are not lawyers, I did not have any friends that had already gone through law school, and because I was finishing my undergrad degree until 3 weeks before law school started, I was unable to take any pre-law courses or summer prep programs. Thus, when I walked into my first class, I was unclear even on how to write a case brief. This sense of having to play catch-up triggered my anxiety, and attending classes only became worse over the semester as I dreaded looking like an idiot in front of my teachers or classmates.

I did not know anyone before starting law school, and I have never been a very quick friend maker, preferring historically to develop and cultivate a few close friendships. I was extremely self-conscious when school started too. Many of my female law classmates were thin and beautiful, whereas I had gained a lot of weight in my final year of undergrad while struggling to complete large courseloads. This combination of not knowing anyone or feeling "safe" around anyone, and feeling insecure about my looks led me to avoid many social events. I do note the irony that attending these events would have probably helped me to make new friends, but I never said my disorders are logical. I had never really had problems with social events before, but since starting law school, I have certainly developed a pervading case of social anxiety disorder.

My depression was triggered significantly by my anxiety and this new social anxiety, as well as my lack of close friends in the area. I also felt like I wasn't worthy of even being around my other, much smarter and most-likely-to-succeed classmates (later diagnosed during my counseling as Imposter Syndrome). Thus, I had to work very hard to not only prepare for classes and try to figure out which way was up, but also to overcome my complete lack of energy and motivation, which was a symptom of my depression. I formed a study group with several other classmates, but it was difficult for me to feel like I could acknowledge to anyone my shortcomings and areas where I needed help, so instead, I continued to feel as though I didn't belong and was behind everyone else.

My grades that semester weren't fabulous, but I spent my winter break bolstering myself up, reevaluating my prior approaches and studying up on how to do things differently the next semester. When that first day of the next semester came, I was up early and actually excited for school and my elective class of Legislation. My first class was at 10:30am. I checked my email at 8:30am, and was blindsided by an email from a school administrator informing me that I was on academic probation and would need to drop my elective to take an academic skills course, plus, multiple semesters on academic probation could lead to my being kicked out of school. I felt quite literally like I had had the wind knocked out of me. I sent a terse response (paraphrase here) that as I had already purchased my textbook and as it was the first effing day of school already, this was unacceptable and we would need to find another solution. Nevertheless, my first day of school was a blur as I sought to keep from crying in the middle of class. I didn't speak to anyone I sat by, for fear of breaking down or being revealed as a failure, and I was terrified of the teacher calling on me, because I knew I would have to walk out. Luckily, I kept my resolve, but the entire first week, I was unable to focus on anything except putting one foot in front of the other, barely maintaining physical presence in my classes, and getting home before I crashed my car. I didn't study at all, and I barely ate. This is what depression looks like. This is a prime example of a major depression episode. I met with multiple school administrators to fight this, because I had linked this to my depression episode, and I felt that if I were able to remove the trigger, my depression episode would be over. I was ultimately unable to get an exemption from attending the probation class, but luckily was able to recognize that I was in the middle of a depression spiral, and sought counseling help. Nevertheless, I had already felt like I was less than my other classmates, and now this was a confirmation of sorts that it was true. I am not sure now how I made it through that semester. I had poor attendance in my classes, attending few social events, rarely studied, and just zoned out at home. But I DID make it through my classes. I wanted to drop out, but too much was riding on my law school career. I didn't want to disappoint my family by failing out of yet another school, and what's more, is I enjoyed the actual content of my law classes. I may have hated going to class and dreaded being called on, but I really did enjoy what my professors were teaching. Cause I'm a freak. That was the semester I understood the true love-hate nature of my relationship with law school.

Ironically after all of that, my first semester grades WOULD have been acceptable, except in my Civil Procedure exam, I addressed the wrong type of jurisdiction (I had misread it initially in the fact pattern) on a high-points question, and subsequently earned zero credit for that question. Had the question been on the type of jurisdiction I addressed, I would have done fine, but my low grade on that exam and in my class caused me to be placed on academic probation.

My second year was hard as well, and I dealt with numerous social conflicts that almost caused me to drop out of law school by the end of it. I had grown extremely unhappy with how law school forces you to be selfish, but my nature is to be selfless and empathetic. I have always been heavily influenced by other people's emotions, and at ASU law, being surrounded primarily by Type A, aggressive, and often contentious personalities weighed heavily on me. I knew I did not have the fortitude to risk being inadequate in an internship position, so I opted instead to take summer courses at another law school, to see once and for all if all law students and lawyers were from this same personality mold. If so, I couldn't see myself being trapped in a profession for the rest of my career with these types. Thankfully, my experience at University of Hawaii law school was incredible, and being surrounded by warm and helpful classmates, professors, and even friends, gave me the confidence to continue school.

What lessons can I impart from my law school experience? In no particular order:

1. Go to the doctor, a psychiatrist, or a nurse psychiatrist (cheaper). Get on a good regimen of medication. Preferably at least a few months before you start school so you have time to get the kinks worked out. Law school is probably going to be harder than anything you've experienced before, so don't be afraid of getting extra help. Mental disorders are a chemical imbalance, so don't feel like you're a failure if you need chemical assistance.

2. Be open with your disorder(s) in and out of school. You never know who else is also suffering from it and could be a friend or ally. Ideally, choose a school near friends or family that are supportive of you and are willing to help you and build you up when you're struggling. This is also important because they may see that your disorder is getting worse before you realize it, so they can get you help sooner.

3. Get to know your teachers and get to know them early. I was too intimidated to go to office hours, and I missed out on learning to candidly talk with my law school superiors. Also, talk to your teachers if you have a fear of being called on in classes. Even in your first year, many of them will understand and try to give you a heads up before or find some other way of mitigating it.

4. If you have Imposter Syndrome, others will try to help by telling you that you got into law school so you must be worthy of being there. It's a nice try, but what you need to internalize is that as a human being, you have the ABILITY to do well in law school, regardless of whether or not you are on the same level as everyone else. This ability has nothing to do with others. Your grade may be impacted by others, but your ability to do well is 100% dependent on how hard you work.

5. Choose a school with a good counseling program. Ideally, choose a school that has counselors available within the law school and a positive, noncompetitive atmosphere that focuses more on helping all students to understand the material, instead of make it into the top 10%. Or, if you are set on attending something like a T-14 school, make sure you have a powerful, large support system outside of school also.

6. Attend classes. If you have to hire a car and driver to physically take you from your home to the law school every day, do it. Missing classes because of depression and/or anxiety will only increase both of those disorders, especially come finals time.

7. Yes, it matters what your classmates think. Yes, it sucks to be the person called on who looks like an idiot. Yes, you will survive if it happens. Yes, you will be able to come back from it.

8. Get a dog, some type of animal, plant, or something that requires your care. People with anxiety tend to have a higher level of empathy, and people with depression can find a way out by helping others and getting out of their own head for a while. For me, I didn't feel like I could take on the longterm responsibility of a dog, so instead I became a foster mom for a dog rescue. I take care of one dog at a time, usually an older, trained dog that belonged to a senior citizen or something, and the rescue pays for all food, supplies, vet visits, etc. In turn, I treat my foster dog like I would my own. We go on daily walks, which helps that depression by providing exercise, I take them to scheduled adoption events, which helps that social anxiety by getting me out of the house, and I get to be surrounded by a perpetually cheerful little creature, which never fails to boost my endorphins. Additionally, it is wonderful to feel like I am appreciated and am doing good.

9. Find a member of the administration or faculty that you can trust and talk candidly to periodically over the course of law school. Pray that they don't leave their position anytime soon (this has happened to me 3 times so far in law school, so I can't promise prayer will work).

10. Finally: find something outside of law school that you enjoy. In addition to being a dog foster mom, I do a lot of art projects such as beadwork, painting, sewing, etc. I also operate a handmade soap company. Some people may be able to work 100% on law school all the time, but I am not one of them. My disorders don't allow it anyway. So instead, I find creative outlets. They keep my sanity. Other options could be physical activity like intramural sports, yoga, running, etc., or taking lessons in something random like cooking, piano, a language, etc. Just something that makes you step away from law school, even for an hour a week.

Just realize you are not alone and that having a mental disorder does not mean you can't do something like law school, graduate school, medical school, or any other challenging life path. You just have to be mindful.