I heart customizing I heart tees...did you follow that?

The great thing about the Internet is how it can produce anything my noggin dreams up. Case-in-point: Customizable "i heart" tees at ILoveTShirts.net.

They come in quite a few styles for both genders (BONUS! women also have a nice thong underwear option!! sense my mildly amused sarcasm!) and child-sized and infant tees are offered as well, to get the whole family in on the craze. You can actually see what the finished product would look like with the site's nifty preview option, and prices for tees range from $14-$22, which, unless you're planning on individually supporting every member of your high school football team, is pretty affordable.

So you could, for instance, purchase some supporting a dear friend (ie. I Heart Josh Smith), and how cool would it look if you and 10 other girls all showed up wearing those shirts just for him?? And then, when he makes you all angry by not properly acknowledging the effort, you hit him with this little beauty:

I also sense a marketing trend!! Who can resist visiting my blog after this:

This site is going on my bookmarks list.

If I have an illness, then it's afflicting most of our female population too

I just found another shoe subscription site: JustFab.com. And their shoes are hot! I liked more of the styles that ShoePrivee offers, but there was enough at Just Fab to make me stop and think about it. As well, when I signed up (just now), they offered 50% off of any item for the next 24 hours, meaning a pair of shoes for $20 instead of $40. Now that's something I'm considering, because I spend much more than that on not-quite-as-hot shoes easily in a day at the mall.

I have a hard time with these shoe-subscription sites (including ShoeDazzle), because I'm not willing to pay $40 of my hard-earned money on a shoe that is described by: "Lightly textured faux patent leather perches atop its faux cork heel." I mean, really? I have several patent leather pumps that I love dearly, and I definitely paid 5 bucks for them in the clearance section at Deb, so I'm not about to spend $40 on the same thing when I could be buying 8 pairs of shoes!

Still, it is fun to look at all the pretty shoe styles. And let's note, I generally wear heels one day a week, Sunday, for approximately 3 hours, where I'm mostly sitting. So those 5-inch heels don't scare me as much as they might another person!

I got an email from ShoePrivee early this morning (3am) advertising one of their new wedges, the Anita shoe, for only $9.95 for the next 24 hours, to new members. Well heck, I'm a new member, AND it included free shipping! I love free shipping! So I BOUGHT IT. I'm not usually a "wedge" type of person, and this shoe isn't usually my style, but $9.95 is cheaper than what i spend on a nice shoe at Target, so I'm excited to try a new style. Isn't it pretty?

And here is the shoe that I'm seriously considering getting at Just Fab. I'm going shoe shopping today, and if this one is still kicking around the noggin in a few hours, I'm getting it. The Langley:

I've decided I need these shoes:

Qupid System-258

Unfortunately, they are out of my size at urbanog.com. I actually discovered this shoe through ShoePrivee.com, which is kind of like ShoeDazzle: you get to pick from shoes in a monthly "showroom" and pay exorbitant amounts of money ($39.95) for cheap shoes that are made from manmade materials (earlier on ShoeDazzle, I saw this shoe description: "Tough gets softer touch in velvety faux suede."). But I digress. Anyway, I need the above-pictured shoe.

I'd love to become a shoe buyer or fashion merchandiser. I absolutely adore finding just-quirky-enough-to-be-cute-but-crazy-enough-to-get-comments-all-day shoes, and I really do find some random ones. Or even better, I'd love to start my own shoe store. But shipping tends to suck for online shoe stores, and in-person stores have a hard time making it without a hundred thou in capital. Qupid shoes actually is a wholesale shoe seller and after perusing their merchandise, I know they would be a favorite supplier of mine. Sigh. in another life.

oh the weather outside is frightful

You would think, being May 28th, that the sun might deign to appear today. But here I am, looking at a white, cloudy sky. The past few days have been odd too, I keep getting tricked into thinking it's a beautiful day with clear blue as far as you can see, but then I'll glance out the window 20 minutes later, and it's raining.

However, the crazy weather IS making me more spontaneous. I'm learning that if I see an opening of good weather, I just have to throw my running clothes on and zip my dog into his collar asap to at least get a mile in before it ends.

Speaking of my dog, I recently procured a retractable leash and it is AMAZING how much easier it is to go on a walk with him! No more leash pulling, no more slowing to a walk if he's depositing a single drop of his essence on a plant. The problem has been, his walk is too fast for my walk, but his run is too slow for my run, which means that generally one, or both, of us is going to be tugging on the leash. Now, with my nifty 16-foot retractable leash, I just hold one end and he does what he needs to do. If he speed-walks ahead, I've got a good 16 feet before I need to jog and catch up with him. Generally too, he is pretty good about not maxing out the length and he sticks with me, but those few extra feet make the difference if I misstep and he has to jump away or something. He is usually scared that I'll step on him, but we've been doing very well on the retractable leash. I do kind of wish the leash had a little fishing pole-type reel though, because sometimes he's at the end of the 16 feet and I need to "reel" him in due to a car or another dog. Perhaps I'll become an inventor and create one.

I did chuckle though when, on the packaging, it warned me that because of the extra length, my dog might have more time to make headway and pull me off my feet. Right. 15 pounds. I think I can take him.

How did they make those Lady Gaga costumes?

I'll add an update on LIFE in a little bit but for now, I have to discuss Glee. I'm watching season 1 on Netflix and sure, it's cool for what it is, but I'm a realist, so sometimes it's hard to suspend reality and just believe that a teeny high school glee club is suddenly flush enough with funds to have smoke and flames shooting from the stage during a performance of a Kiss song...for exactly 8 audience members. Though, I guess it is a good exercise to jump into loopy-land for a bit and watch a performance of Bad Romance complete with a professional stage and lighting. Certainly, Glee is entertaining, but it doesn't GRAB me like a good drama does. It seems to serve as a vehicle for musical entertainment. Luckily, they sing well. Though, I did enjoy the twist with a main character singing Jesse's Girl when he finds he likes a girl who is dating a guy named Jesse in the group. Nice touch.

Can this month be over?

I've been having a rough time lately, mainly because of burnout from my job. I normally work graveyard shift, which is nice and slow, but because we aren't at full staff, I've had to work 2 extra shifts from 2-10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. Swing shift is about 6 times as busy as graveyard shift, so it's kind of like working 6 graveyard shifts in a row. By the 5th day, I'm ready to be done with it, so try doing it all in 8 hours. Needless to say, I've been running ragged, AND I just started taking a class at Spokane Falls Community College. It's Intro to Film, and it's a writing-intensive class, so we have to write a paper and participate in online discussions and responses (a total of 10 paragraphs) every week. I like it so far, but there is quite a bit of work, especially when I'm working full time.

Working swing shift so often lately has woken me up to the fact that I really just don't like my job. I like the people, I like the extra duties I volunteer for (like sending out marketing letters), but the actual job of being on the phone constantly, it's fraying my edges. It's a good thing I've been on graveyard this whole time or I probably would have snapped and quit about 3 months ago. So I'm at a crossroads. I can A) request to only be assigned graveyard, even if means I work only 3 shifts one week; B) quit my job and concentrate on school for a few months; or C) quit my job and try to find another either within the organization or outside.

Right now, I think I'm gonna go with A, but with the option of C if something presents itself. I hate how it seems like I'm flaky on jobs, because I've had SO many in the past 8 years. I realized tonight though, that I switch jobs when the little excitement buzz/butterflies is gone. I had that probably my 3rd month here, when I was kicking butt and getting upsells and good reviews on my calls, but now I just don't care so much. Sure, I think I'm good at my job, but I just don't have that drive to do BETTER anymore. I felt that buzz at the Lewiston Tribune late at night when I was racing against the deadline to get information on an accident for a news bit. I guess I need to figure out if that's something I can learn to live without, or if I can find something I can continually feel that excitement.

I'd like to take an aptitude test or something to pinpoint jobs that would be good for me, though self analysis has already provided me a picture of what I prefer. I like to work as an advocate for the customer. I enjoy making someone's day better, and I don't like sales, because again, I will advocate for the customer, and I have a hard time if what's best for the company isn't necessarily GOOD. Also, I actually like busy work, like data entry or preparing mailings. I don't particularly like to talk on the phone (ironic given my current job as an inbound hotel reservations agent), and I love research but am not a fan of compiling reports summarizing said research. I like working independently, but I also like having coworkers, to share good news when I've done something really well, and to lean on if I need help with something. I like feeling like I'm part of something REAL, and like I have a real purpose to my work.
So summarizing that kind of makes me feel like I need to work for a nonprofit, maybe an housing advocate or legal aid clinic. Or if I just want money, I could always work as a talent agent. Overall though, I just have trouble seeing where my life is headed right now. And I'm tired of swing shift!

Reflections on being 24

I turned 24 more than a month ago, and in some ways I feel older, other ways I feel younger. Sometimes I feel so young, and immature, and nowhere near prepared for the world, even as I draw closer to being a quarter of a century old. At the same time though, I've felt and gone through more than I'd wish on anyone. I don't think I've gone through more than anyone else, and I'm well aware that there's a lot of life that I've yet to experience. But I've felt many emotions that a human being is capable of, and some of them, I'm just fine with not ever feeling again.

I often feel like a kid: still worried about what people think of me, still obsessed with dressing to achieve a certain look or fit in with a certain group. I still feel the rollercoaster butterflies in my stomach when I meet a new guy, and the crash of getting rejected. The caveat is that I'm learning those feelings don't necessarily go away with physical age.

I often feel like I'm being stunted, because I WANT to mature and embrace a family, grow up and have a career. I often feel like I'm living in limbo, living a half-life, working full-time, but not at a job that will become a career, and owning a dog who gets treated like my child, but without a human child of my own.

I'm not sure, at this moment, where life is going for me. I nearly typed "where life is going to carry me," but I reject the notion that we have no control over our destiny. I believe we are the ones who decide our life path. I could have graduated 2 years ago from BYU, but instead I dropped out. Sure, I have anxiety, but truly do wish I'd known then what I know now. How differently my life would have turned out. I wish I'd sought help sooner. I wish I'd taken advantage of tutoring and study classes. It's not that I didn't care about school, it's that I couldn't.

I have this recurring dream, a nightmare, really, except not in the classic childhood sense, but in the dream I'm going to school over a period of several months, except I never make it to all of my classes in a day, and then, halfway through the semester I realize I've only been to my math class twice, and it's too late to even bother attending now. I go to a few classes as a token gesture, while trying to avoid the teacher, who is aware I haven't attended his class. The neverending guilt and dread continue to eat me alive as I continue to wind down attendance in all of my classes, to where a passing grade is impossible, and that once again, I've failed. That dream is more terrifying to me than any monster, because I've lived it, and I've lived the consequences of it, and I'm so scared that I'll repeat it.

I'm not sure, at this point, how to stop the cycle. In many ways, my life is stable enough now to avoid many of my problems that cropped up when I was at Westminster. I live at home and pay no rent, I have a stable job, and I have a dog, whose presence eases my mind daily. I think if I were to begin classes again, I'd likely be fine, but that fear still grips me.